Come for the Politics, Stay for the Pathologies

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Global Densification: FAQ’s

The response to my post revealing my theory of anthropogenic Global Densification has been overwhelming. My blog and email servers were nearly knocked offline. As with all new apocalypse theories, GD seem to have spawned questions and deniers in the scientific community and panic in the general population.

First let me speak to the general public. There is no cause for panic. While it is true, that without immediate, robust action on the part of the nations of the world, the earth is likely to come to some kind of cataclysmic end within the span of your lifetime. But ask yourself if panic will prevent this from happening? No, I don’t think so either.

Earthquakes volcano-eruption

To the scientific community, I ask for your help. Sift through your data to find further proof of my theory. Physicists, geologists, climatologists, cosmologists and political scientists: you will all find supporting data if you apply the proper filters and consider the amount of grant money this will spawn. Contact me, on a secure land line, to obtain my data mining algorithm if you are having difficulty.


I’ve already stated my position on the GD deniers out there:  “ I don’t want them to do a lot of talkin.’ I want them to just get out of the way so we can clean up the mess.”

I wish I could answer each of your emails personally, but the volume  is simply too great. I will answer some of your generic questions here today and others in the future. I will also be reporting from time to time (while we still have time) on other terrifying effects of Global Densification on our planet, our solar system and even our universe.

The most frequent question I receive is: “Dewey, what can I do to stop and reverse GD?”

There is very little any one individual can do alone. As former First Lady and now Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton put it, “It takes a village.” More specifically, it takes all of the developed nations of the world. Now you may ask, “Why only the developed nations?” This one is simple: because they’re the ones that caused the problem, and, more importantly, have all the tools required to fix it: to wit, MONEY.

But I know you feel responsible for GD, and you should. You want to ease the pangs of guilt, and you can. Call and write your elected representatives at every level of government and demand immediate action. Insist that they provide the funding I need to continue my research and enact into law my 12 Step Program to halt and reverse Global Densification, which will be outlined in my new book “Live A Lighter Life” and my soon to be released movie “The Weight Of The World”.

Individually, each of you can buy my book and watch my movie which will enable you to significantly reduce your Global Densification Footprint (GDF). For those of you who are unable or unwilling to “Live A Lighter Life,”  you may also purchase Gravity Credits to reduce your GDF. I will soon have available for purchase here on my web site a full line of personal and industrial Gravity Credits. I will also have available, at a discount, Group Credits for softball and bowling teams as well as deer hunting camps.


Another question I have been getting is: “Dewey, shouldn’t we wait until the science is more settled?”

When confronted with a disaster having the potential to destroy not just the earth, but the entire solar system and much of the known universe, we can not afford to wait.

Ask yourself: where would we be today if we had not acted aggressively to eliminate CFCs? Which, as you’ll recall, closed the life - and penguin - threatening ozone hole.

Everything I propose in my 12 step program is a better way to live your life even if I am wrong about GD, so there’s no downside. Except, you say, for the enormous tax burden which will eliminate jobs and destroy the world economy. But keep in mind, that my plan will only destroy the old, “heavy” economy which created Global Densification. The jobs and economic activity lost in the collapse of the “heavy” economy will be replaced with better, sustainable jobs in the new “light” economy of the future.

The most important thing is to act NOW.


The last question for today comes from an investment group: “Dewey, we are looking to invest money in new “light technology” business ventures before the herd crashes the gate. Have you got any recommendations?”

First I must state for the record, that I am not a financial advisor and the opinions I express here are for entertainment purposes only. Investors should use caution and discuss any and all investments with a qualified financial advisor first. Any and all investments carry with them the possibility of loss including the principal. Nothing contained herein should be construed to be an offer to sell any commodity or investment instrument. Call, write or see your investment advisor to request a prospectus.

That said, I will soon be forming a Gravity Credit (GC) trading firm which will bundle and sell a diverse selection of GC based derivatives. The firm will also offer a fine selection of forward and reverse GC index funds that should be at home in any portfolio.

For those of you interested in starting your own, sustainable “light” business, I offer this from the New York Times: The New Age For Dirigibles.

23237552“A new dirigible, shown being filled with helium, costs about $15 million to make. Tourism is not the only use envisioned for such airships - France's postal service has considered using dirigibles as an environmentally friendly way to transport parcels between France and Corsica or the Antilles.” NYT


As time progresses there will undoubtedly be a multitude of new businesses that spring up to responsibly address the opportunity to reduce GD. I will keep you posted here on the ones that look to be investment grade.

We must all pull together to fight this universe-threatening phenomenon. In order to help do that I’ve come up with an easy to remember slogan that Moms, Dads, kids, teachers and mass advertisers everywhere can use to mindlessly remind us to do our part: “Lighten Up!” Feel free to use it for free as a call to arms, although I will shortly be offering a line of reasonably priced products embossed with the copyrighted logo.

So let’s all get out there and Lighten Up!