Come for the Politics, Stay for the Pathologies

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Dear 43, How About Grabbing a Mop?

I’m sure Maureen Dowd speaks for many others in the supportive media when she explained that the Mosque kerfuffle is all George Bush’s fault. She thinks he owes it to her, and Obama, to grab a mop and clean up his mess:

 As the man who twice went to war in the Muslim world, he has something of an obligation to add his anti-Islamophobia to this mosque madness. W. needs to get his bullhorn back out.

Since President Obama and his entire staff left on vacation today, I decided to help out. I’ve drafted a letter that President Obama can send to Forty-three. All 43 will have to do is sign and return the original and he will be designated Commander-in-Chief of the mop brigade. I think it will bring us much closer to the heeling healing process that President Obama envisions.

See what you think:




600px-Seal_Of_The_President_Of_The_United_States_Of_America_svg THE WHITE HOUSE

Washington D.C.


Dear  Forty-Three,

I know that you have a total and ongoing commitment to doing what’s best for America. That’s why I’m calling upon you today to assist me in helping the American people understand why all of the things that have them so wee-weed up are actually the result of misguided policies and decisions that originated in your administration.

By stepping up to the plate and taking one for the team, you will be able to help me persuade the folks out there that my fiscal/social policies are the only way out of the morass created by your failed policies.  I also think we can use this occasion as a teachable moment to demonstrate definitively that representative democracy is way over rated when it comes to making history-changing  decisions.

Let me be clear: It’s important for me to get you to stand behind me on this, for the good of the country. I trust I haven’t misunderestimated you, and that I can count on you to step up and do the right thing. I also trust that you'll take this suggestion in the spirit that it’s intended.

I’ve instructed my staff to draft the enclosed statement. It states that you accept responsibility for the unprecedented problems America now faces, and expresses your remorse. I’ve taken the liberty of ordering new stationary and letterhead for your use as well.

After you’ve read the enclosed letter, I’m requesting that you sign it and mail it back to my office for official dissemination. If we determine at a later date (when I return from the Vineyards) that a video would also prove useful in our propaganda education campaign, we’ll arrange for your transportation to and from a government-approved recording studio for videotaping. We will also provide you with full use of the official Teleprompter Of The United States, and lunch.

Letter follows, on official stationary:




dodo POTUS seal copy


Crawford, Texas

Hello, fellow Americans. My name is George W. Bush. I recognize that there are a lot of tensions weighing heavily on the citizens of this once great land of ours. I also realize, and take full responsibility for, the problems that I created over the 8 years that I occupied the Oval Office. Thanks to my policies, programs and decisions – with absolutely no help from the Democrats in Congress – I created, or saved from being resolved, all of the thorny issues that President Obama is dealing with today. Allow me to elaborate:

First, for 8 years I allowed my pals on Wall Street to rape the little people in America by selling them homes they couldn’t afford. I simultaneously allowed them to con savvy investors into buying and selling complicated mortgage derivatives that they were incapable of  understanding. We all know  now how this led to the world wide financial collapse and eventually the “Bush recession of 2009-12.”

Then there’s the undocumented worker problem. It is driving a wedge between those Americans who have to deal with the gangs, crime, drugs and other costs - monetary and social - of having their states overrun by undocumented workers flooding across the borders , and those who don’t.  This whole mess got out of hand because John McCain and I, who both completely backed unfettered amnesty for undocumenteds, backed down. We allowed ourselves to be cowed by the will of a pack of racists who don’t really know what’s best for either themselves, the Democratic party or this once great country.

I also know all too well the great divide that’s been created between the “drill here, drill now” crowd and the proponents of clean, green energy. This rift has recently grown wider due to my letting BP drill recklessly in the Gulf of Mexico even after I left office. Now that President Obama has plugged that damn hole, let’s all agree that it will be much wiser and safer to abandon our pursuit of carbon based energy in this country and throw all of our resources into the development of wind, solar, green battery cell power and mice on treadmills. The science is settled, and the math couldn’t be simpler: wind and solar are free, battery cells are sustainable because we make them in factories (and we’ve already created hundreds of new jobs) and mice don’t eat much. So rather than opening up the hundreds of thousands of federally owned acres for exploration and production of dirty oil/gas/coal, I’m now in full support of pursuing only clean energy. And I’m quite sure that our publically educated scientists in the employ of the Department of Energy, under the fine direction of Noble Laureate Dr. Chu, will figure out in no time how to get the laws of thermodynamics to bend to our energy plan. At that point, our clean energy initiative and human waste recycling programs will  provide us with all the energy we will need to fuel the economy of this once great country of ours.

And I want to apologize to the American people for not slapping wage and price controls on doctors, hospitals, insurance companies and other healthcare providers while I was in office. This would have controlled all the runaway medical costs we’re now facing.  After all, similar controls proved quite effective when Richard Nixon implemented them - I think Jimmy Carter can tell you that. I also must apologize for the drug pricing deal I cut with Big Pharma in order to get the Medicare drug bill passed. Don’t be mislead. Just because it looks - aside from being much smaller - identical to the deal President Obama’s team cut with the pharmaceutical lobby in order to get his healthcare bill passed, it was my deal  that plunged us into a $13 trillion deficit, not his. My failures in this area are what made it necessary for Congress to pass the increasingly unpopular Obamacare. As we get further into the details of the plan that Congress passed before they had a chance to read it, it appears as though we won’t be able to afford all the bells and whistles that were previously part of the greatest healthcare system on earth. So, as the quality of care deteriorates in this once great country of ours, and since it’s my fault, our new national healthcare plan will henceforth be referred to as “Bush-care.”

And lastly, I wish to apologize for attempting the fool-hardy plan of taking the fight to the terrorists who attacked us on 9/11. Had I only realized that all I had to do in order to appease this very tiny radical minority of Islam was extend my hand in peace and friendship, I never would have launched two foolish wars that President Obama is left to prosecute. I’ve left him between a rock and a hard place. But for my careless actions, he likewise would not have to endure all of the hateful, personal criticism for his inability to successfully triangulate his position on the Mosque at Ground Zero issue. You must see how difficult it is to effectively straddle this line: having to appear sensitive, on one side,  to people whose children, wives and husbands had to decide whether to jump out of burning buildings to their death, or stay and burn to death. On the other side, there’s Islam - the great religion of peace that has made so many cultural contributions to our once great county - that wants to erect a shrine at Ground Zero. That’s a call that’s clearly above any President’s pay grade. I’m sincerely sorry for having placed Mr. Obama in a position where he has to make a call.

In conclusion, let me just say “I’m sorry” for ruining the economy of the entire world, causing America to be despised by our Muslim friends, as well as the French and Belgians, because I chose to act in a dismissive, and at times derisive manner.

President Obama can fix all the problems I created but it’s going to take time and your support.

Thank you for your cooperation, and “assalamu alaikum.”

George W. Bush

Failed Former President of the United States

So, George, give me a call if you need any clarification on any of this. I’d give you my private Blackberry number, but you know how the SS is. If I’ve made everything clear, just sign and return it in the enclosed, self-addressed, stamped envelope . I’m sure you’ll agree that it’s best for the country, and the least you can do after stirring up that hornet’s nest in the Muslim world, just to get even with them for trying to kill your daddy.

Hope things are going well for you on the ranch. You’re not too close to the border are you? I hear there’s been a little trouble down there lately.

Take care, and give my regards to Laura. And 41.



Barack Obama